Hello Pumpkin

Kingston Grey Carson McLeod was born the evening of October 27th at the wee size of 10lbs 3oz. Both mommies are doing great and like most new parents deprived of sleep, we are deliriously in love.

❤️❤️❤️

Birth Story

This was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And Allia and I got through it together – with amazing coaching from Laura, our doula, and Mariah the midwife, plus Kathleen who arrives for the pushing.

No epidural available until hour 13, after three days of pre-labour; laboured from 6 am-noon at home with Laura joining us at 9 am. We went to the hospital at 12:15 and was already 7 cm. Surprising, given how chill I was about the contractions. Things progressed and I was handling it like a champ until right before 10 cm. The pain and nervousness, plus exhaustion started to ge to me, but we took it as part of our journey and tried to approach it from a ‘if this is how it has to go, alright’ mindset. However, I stayed at 9 cm for hours and he was stuck. Finally one of the anesthesiologists was available. Got the epidural at about 7 pm, which worked on half my body only… then pushed out this ten pounder in an hour. Allia was so amazing and I still can’t believe it happened. He is two days old, not even, and I can’t believe he came out of my body – except for how sore I feel.

He did skin to skin right away. We sang three little birds to him. I saw him coming in the mirror. It was insane and scary and vital. He went straight for the latch. We stayed skin to skin for an hour and they brought in a specialist to stitch me up. Three second degree tears. And the stay was also because of my hemorrhage post-partum and his size, to watch his glucose, etc.

He is so chill and very snuggly. He is already out of newborn sized clothes.

Last night was so rough – the cluster feeding, engorgement and super stressed nipples. Plus a diapered lady-region that feels like an instalment of Star Wars was filmed down there – replete with battles and light sabres tearing through the galaxy.

For delivery room and power doula, midwife and spouse team highlights… more later.

In Labour

It is very odd to welcome discomfort. But this just reminds me that we are closer to our goal. When the past 9 months were our reality, minimizing discomfort was the order of the day… now, discomfort and pain means K is closer to being in our arms. I’m in a rhythm, a bit of a groove. I feel supported and Allia is getting me what I need, but we are also working on a puzzle and playing solitaire, respectively, until contractions happen.

Latent labour… early labour. I can still talk. We are laughing. I’m changing positions. Breathing deliberately. It’s 11 pm. I’ve been having contractions, getting closer together, but not necessarily more intense or consistent, since noon.

It’s so hard to tell what is going on, since no one can tell you how it will feel for you, not even if you’ve already done it. Each pregnancy is different. That’s what they tell me. How do you know when Braxton Hicks contractions, which are practice for labour, progress into the next phase. These are more intense, with more pain in the hips, low back and some waves of sharpness, but does the contraction end when the belly softens, or when it’s still rock hard, but the pain dulls slightly. Baby is moving and rolling and I’m focused on relaxing and rocking, walking, bouncing, leaning forward… different positions, which tend to make the contractions worse, but if they are getting more intense, rather than easier, it feels intuitive that I should keep changing spots and activities to keep things moving along.

And maybe none of this is comparable to what I’ll feel later tonight, or tomorrow. Of course it’s not. How do you describe versions of pain? Especially when your threshold is high to begin with?

It feels very arbitrary… the timing, the levels and measures of pain, start and stop…

compared to what? On a scale of what?

8 AM –

I lost my mucous plug at 4:50 am and have had contractions from 5:47 am, 14 min., 12 min., 17 min., 13 min., 11 min., 8 min., apart…

Now I’m eating cinnamon raisin toast and trying to relax.

2 PM –

Nothing is more frustrating than lateness (okay, some things are for sure), but right now it feels like the LONGEST wait. I’m getting contractions, not as strong as yesterday, except occasionally… and not regular. Where is the progress? Sigh.

This is what being overdue and impatient feels like.

Week 39, 40 and now 40 weeks and 4 Days

The bumpy road ahead. This week, so close to the end, I’ve had a few spills and near misses. Some tears shed. Bad dreams. Real life silliness- I electrocuted my finger, had a hysterical crying fit over the fact that we don’t have a formal will, slipped down the last three steps of our stairs, all with no damage to baby. I’m trying to get all the things done that I won’t want to do once he gets here.

Had our midwife checkup today. All things are progressing well – I am eating a pineapple a day, taking Evening Primrose Oil, drinking Raspberry Leaf Tea, stimulating, stretching, walking around, having nightly massages and bouncing on an exercise ball.

We talked about an induction at 41.1 weeks. I’d love to spontaneously start, but that’s a good avenue if things continue to go slowly. Don’t dawdle, little guy!

We did a stretch and sweep today, in addition to the normal heartbeat, pulse and bump radius measures. Not going to lie… it was intense. Maybe it’s because I have a long torso and my mindwife is very petite (with very petite hands)… but it was very invasive… and hurt more than I expected. But fortunately I was able to follow her prompt to ‘relaxxxxx’ even as my body was following its natural inclination to tense up in protectiveness. The stretch involves going into the cervix, if it’s open, while the sweep aims to detach the membranes on the other side of the cervix and release oxytocin and hormones that can bring on, or at least speed up labour.

It was worse than I thought it would be, but I’m tough. Allia was there and I’m so glad, because as our midwife announced, “I am touching his head” I thought I’d burst into tears. Plus, we now know that I’m officially 2 cm dilated (stretched to 3 ish) and 40% effaced… already with no interventions. This bodes well.

So, here we are at 40 weeks and 4 days. And I can’t stop wondering how I will pass the time until we meet.

Zap

Dear Baby,

Mommy electrocuted herself today trying to fix things herself. The neighbours were cooking fish inside again and the smell, seeping though the wall, was driving me nuts. I filled the holes, including the ones around the outlet… which made it a conductor. Zap.

Then I called my brother and Dad (to see if I’d created a fire hazard) and the midwives ( to make sure baby was okay); and Dave, a retired tech teacher, came over within hours to replace the plugs so that I could sleep at night, days away from the due date and worried that the spray insulation would be a latent danger.

He popped over that same afternoon and fixed it with the parts I picked up. He wouldn’t let me pay him.

Last day of work

I feel so much gratitude and I’m trying to keep all of these big feelings present in my mind, I want to catch them all and keep them. I got to school today, feeling so lucky that the English department threw me a party yesterday during fourth. With cake, bubbly juice, a sock monkey style onesie and hat, tiny socks and A gift card for snuggle bugs, I feel utterly spoiled. Then today, I had a stream of visitors in period one Hahn stopped by; Perniah came to give me a card and a striped gray and white plush toy and blanket; after class there were sweet thank you’s and goodbyes; Laurie and gave me a handmade card. I got to eat lunch nah with Summer and then had a beautiful last drama class with my grade nines, who are so forgetful but somehow managed to pull off a fall party, with drinks and apple crumble and cookies and chocolate and chips. And they surprised me with a gift! Tiny Nike running shoes, and an Air Jordan onesie socks and hat.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that teenagers are wholly self-centred and self-absorbed. It’s just not true. For the last nine months it has hit me over and over again, what a humanizing experience this is. Your body is taken over and it is at once the most natural, and freaky, thing ever; the whole thing is at turns isolating -like it has only ever happened to you, and universal- as the truth sinks in that every human starred this way.

Pregnancy feels personal but also communal. People see you differently. It can be the kryptonite if your frosty coworker or the conversation starter with a total stranger.

Colleagues are sending emails. Suzana brought me a card. People strike up conversations, that went from ‘wow, you are looking awesome,’ to this week “woah, when are you due!!” and everyone says, ‘let us know if you need anything’ and ‘we can’t wait to meet him.’

Neither can I. Neither can I. Bye bye work. Hello, soon I hope … baby.

Let the Mat Leave Begin

I’m off. It has been almost two weeks. I am restlesssssss. I have written all my thank you cards, made freezer meals, sorted all my email, shredded old bills, made a list of all the places (drawers, etc) where things get untidy and I’m attacking them one at a time (de-cluttering), sorting items to sell, donate and swap. I’m journaling. I am bouncing on my exercise ball.

The list is long and I am having trouble not checking my email 10 times a day. I am tackling mindless (or time consuming projects) that I used to put off when I had actual work to do.

Going through the last decade of photos and making albums is on my list. So is going through our basement storage and really Marie Kondo-ing the shit out of things. I have been binge watching Netflix.

What can I do while I wait for this little dude?

I never thought I’d be impatient for a man to show up. Lol.

Next-level Nesting

I was inspired by a friend who went on a marathon food-prepping session – following a plan from StockpilingMoms.com

I picked the most appealing plan and hit the grocery store with the pre-made list from the site. This, after two weeks of trying to eat up other leftovers and clear out one whole drawer of the freezer. With a total bill of $300 (including some leftovers like olive oil, lemon juice, etc), I will have twenty meals of four servings each – stored flat in the freezer and ready to simply throw in the slow cooker/crockpot. Ready and delicious with just a side or two to prepare.

It did take a while, but the cat seemed to find it more exhausting than I did. I prepped and labelled the Ziploc bags yesterday, and then went ahead filling the bags, starting with one type of meat, and moving through the rest. I kept my compost out and my recycling bin handy, and really only used a few knives and several cutting boards. I am beyond thrilled with my stockpile of food. Although my wife is eating vegetarian, and on most days I do as well, some of these meals have meat and will be great while I’m replenishing my iron stores post birth with a high dose of protein.

My pictures don’t look very different from the ones on the StockpilingMoms website!

Check out the site for some handy and well-organized meal and grocery plans to suit anyone, from full vegetarian to Paleo.

Perhaps this is the ‘nesting’ everyone talks about. Let me know if you have other tips and hacks for new moms!

Country Shower

Ever since I was little girl, I’ve had an obsession with horses and ponies. When a friend of mine, who just happens to live on an equestrian farm, offered to host a baby shower for us it didn’t actually occurred to me what that meant: horses would be part of our fall shower!

Thank you, Shan, for the most warm and loving day of celebration. I’m grateful – always.

Turns out that my shower dress matches our nursery! It was a short drive out to the country – for cake, food, great friends and an autumn walk around the farm.

Tough Day

Today was a hard one. I went to the walk-in clinic (my own GP has a wait list of a week for an appointment) after being up all night throwing up stomach acid. The heartburn and reflux is so intense. I worry that I won’t get enough vitamins (if I choose the stuff that feels comforting… mostly rice and porridge) and that I’ll be dehydrated, since drinking water make the reflux worse. I don’t want to go into a first time labour after however long of not eating (or sleeping really).

I have tried to tough it out with my own special cocktail of Tums and Gaviscon… with some Zantac for good measure, exceeding none of the maximum doses individually or in combination, but it’s gotten so bad that I feel defeated. He is taking up so much of my torso that there really isn’t much room left for a stomach, or a safe distance between it and my throat. I can feel bile floating in my mid-neck area (almost constantly) and when I burp up the queasy gases I throw up a little in my mouth (like 27 times a day). TMI?

So, feeling a little at my wit’s end, I went to the clinic where a doctor, obviously male, told me (after a 2 hour wait) that ‘the female body is quite resilient, especially in birth/ that if I’m truly dehydrated, the hospital can replenish my fluids/is this my first pregnancy?/usually we recommend non-prescription/ it’s really a question of the risks vs. benefits…

As if I’d never thought of any of this. I tried to explain that throwing up all night was not just making it hard to stay hydrated, but that I am not sleeping (even more than usual) and that I’ve managed it thus far in the manner described and I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t more than I can handle. I also mentioned that my midwives suggested I see a physician since they can’t prescribe medications…

My eyes were brimming with tears of rage and frustration. (Please don’t talk to me like I’m a simpleton and PLEASE don’t waive your prescription pad in my face while telling me how resilient my body is). I fucking know this. And I’m not asking you for opiates or addictive medications. I want to be taking as few things as possible… but also to be able to ensure that nutrients are staying in my stomach so this little fetus can use them.

Especially, please don’t say these things while holding out the real possibility that you’ll say no, even though I’ve tracked down the only clinic open on a holiday weekend and I’ve sat here for hours, and told you the name of a medication which my friend used in all three pregnancies, Losec, which is safe for use.

He had to leave the room to check (fine, we aren’t encyclopedias) but acted like he was doing me a huge favour as he handed me the prescription. Four hours post-dose and I’m still burping up bile … but maybe, just maybe, I will sleep tonight and not go on for the next two weeks feeling like a puke-filled pinata. 

Maternity Shoot – smoke and magic

We had a gorgeous summer-into-fall day, perfect for juxtaposing pretty against eerie, on Wolfe Island. In the cemetery, close to Kingston, Ontario – a point on the map infused with meaning, we celebrated my recently departed Grandmother and embraced the beauty of a place steeped in history. On this new journey, I found myself enjoying a walk in an old familiar place. I have never found churchyards scary, growing up for the first years of my life with a bedroom window that overlooked an Anglican cemetery. This was where I played hide and seek and went to read books, and sing in the choir. I love the way these photos turned out. They are magical and strange, like the changes that take place in the body as it prepares for new life. He is due to arrive near Hallowe’en and we couldn’t be more thrilled.

ps. the smoke grenades are totally safe. I checked. xox A