Sometimes you have to bury a hatched before new things can hatch.
I feel, like most of us, I have unresolved feelings. I attended an entire performance art night about this very topic. I usually exhaust my feelings, and those involved in them, but sometimes ego prevails and I wait YEARS to deal with it. So, in the spirit of being a grown ass woman, I ventured out on a limb and wrote to my exes’ mom. She and I are still Facebook friends. I felt a bit nauseous in the asking, but was met by a friend request, opening the line of communication – after telling her mom I wanted the chance to tell her I was sorry for letting our friendship go down in a ball of baby-lesbian-dramarama flames. This is a woman I was engaged to at 22 years old. We were friends for years after – until I LOST IT on her via telephone after she had not called me for a year. She had ‘been busy.’ It was more than I could handle, having needed her and felt alone as I tried to exit the relationship I got into directly following ours. I wanted to know I was still loveable and made myself into a monster. I gave her an ultimatum – be a good friend, or I’m out (in so many words). She took me up on the offer… called my bluff. And I still miss her.
I’ve put it out into the universe. Sigh. Do you have one of these? A friend who ‘got away’? Who you let go? Pushed away? Chased screaming into the night?
” Hi A. I reached out to your mom and wanted to thank you so much for being willing to hear me. I think about you often, always hoping that you are well and happy. You were part of my life for a really long time and parts of my past and even the city itself has so much memory of time spent with you. Which is awesome, but also sad, given that I never get the chance to reach out and laugh with you about the things that sometimes get remembered.
As I conveyed to your Mom, I have such regret about our last conversation (my full-blown tantrum) because I let my insecurity and anger overtake the most important things that should have been in my mind: you are a person who was instrumental in my life, shaped me and shared so may of those key moments. It makes me so sad to know that I acted like an idiot and jeopardized a relationship that (obviously from how crappily I behaved) meant a lot to me. It would be sad to know that my pride and insecurity prevented you from getting the apology you deserve. I’m sorry for lashing out at you. I was in a terrible place. I missed you. And instead of being nice about it, I acted like an asshole.
I have grown a great deal since then. I’ve seen a therapist and sorted a lot out. I was full of anger around all the abuse that happened with ******, people who kept in touch with her were a sore spot for me. I didn’t feel like people in my life thought I was worth caring about. I was deeply insecure and I think I really internalized what you told me about ***** (a girl she slept with), but the hurt I felt about that should have taken a back seat to what an amazing, caring and fun person you were in my life for so many years.
None of this is ‘excuses.’
I don’t know if you are open to communicating again, but I have to tell you that when I think back to how much fun we had and how young we were, how much we got through together … I feel really sad that I don’t get to share the progress and happiness I have now with you. I should never have let you wonder if you were important to me and should have put my ego aside and supported you in the path you were on.
I am really in a great place now and, from the news I see in bits and pieces, it looks like you are, too. I am so thrilled to hear about your marriage. I can only imagine what a wonderful woman she must be to have captured your heart. You are both lucky in that regard.
Please be well and know that I don’t expect any response, but would be thrilled to get one.