A Good Day. 

Today is a good day, for the following reasons: 

  1. Five years ago, today, my wife and I started dating. It’s our 5-year dating anniversary.  
  2. I got to work and saw this:   
  3. Then I ate this:   
  4. And it’s three days before the end of the semester, I love my classes and, incredibly, I’m in top of my marking. 
  5. Oh yeah, and this:  …pretty much the best news we could have imagined. We had to take a second test to confirm it … But we are so very excited!!!

Second Look 

  
I woke up at 5 am when A told me she had to pee. I wasn’t sure why I needed to know this. Then I remembered, we are taking a pregnancy test. After three rounds of trying (again) with a natural cycle.  Up we get. 

No double line. 

Back to bed for another hour. Then up for work. 

So, here I am. Literally. Sitting at work and my phone rings.   

“Did you check the test? ” 

No, I actually thought about throwing it out but ended up … For whatever reason, leaving it on the counter. Something told me she might have some kind of reason for wanting to throw it out herself. 

“It has two lines.  They’re faint, but it’s there.” 

How excited am I? Excited enough to drop everything and write this. 

We are getting used to this roller coaster. So whatever happens we’ll be okay. The people who got pregnant the first time we did and the second are all having or had their babies. The waiting is tough. 

One thing that helps is remembering that we still have an amazing life together. Weekends like he one we just spent in New York help to cement our relationship. Also, it doesn’t hurt that we met Mixk Jagger.  Saying that just doesn’t get old. 

    
 
   
    
    
    
 

 

Round Four

We`re keeping it positive. Heading into our fourth round of IUI, and hoping that this time it`s going to stick. We are getting pretty used to the early morning visits and the counting of days. I`ve been wearing a bracelet on my ankle since the summer time. After our last miscarriage, I was cleaning out the basement and found some bracelets made of ribbon… from my trip to Brazil when I was a teen; the ribbon is tied and a wish is made. When the ribbon falls off, your wish will come true.

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It`s a tradition that still goes on in Bahia, Brazil. I wonder if, given its religious connotations, it works for lesbian pregnancy wishes? I wonder, too, if writing it out in an anonymous (sort 0f) online format invalidates the secrecy of the wish?

On the radio this morning, on the way to our appointment, CBC radio had a program about stress; a single-parent was talking about wanting to feel ‘free’ and lamenting the stresses, the feeling of being stuck, in her role as a single mother, an employee, a human. Part of me was resentful that she, having made a commitment to raise a child, now wishes for the freedom she no longer has. It seems intuitive that when you agree to become a parent, everything else takes a back seat AND you know your life will never be just yours. You belong to your child, to some extent.

Perhaps, wanting to have a child makes you hyper aware of the moments when people who have what you want seem ungrateful – even if that is a complicated reality and a very human response. Or when expectant mothers complain about not fitting into clothes, … I wish for a similar ‘problem’.

It must be similar to a parent hearing a single person, or a childless person, complain about how ‘busy’ they are… knowing that they can’t possibly understand what busy means… until they’ve added creating and maintaining another human life, to the list of things that must get done on a daily basis.

Perspective is key. For now, fingers crossed. I welcome the challenge.