especially at holiday time, when lol your friends and family are bursting with new babies and bellies.
It’s bitter sweet. I love them. I’m happy for them. But it’s so hard.
We’ve been re-watching the L Word Honestly. I don’t think it really hit me the first time, and how could it have, at twenty, how much real life can be contained in a soapy lesbian TV drama. At the time I was psyched to see attractive, stylish and diverse representations of my community – a great counterpoint to the schleppy, frumpy and bland versions most visible in the media. I was thrilled to imaging that lesbians could look just as glam in a variety of impossibly complicated romantic situations as any 90210/Melrose Place/romcom cast. And despite the show being bemoaned and criticized for being inaccurate in its drama… I really felt like it mirrored my life and the lives of people I knew.
I, too, would find it hard to have a night out without running into an ex, and dated people who were best friends with ex partners and sharing one bedrooms apartments, who were struggling with biphobia or transitioning and the scene was just as incestuous as the show portrayed.
I cried out in protest as Bette cheated on Tina with the carpenter, identified with the torment of forbidden desire and confusion Jenny felt – even if I hated her internal monologues. I felt likens knew these people because I was these people and knew these archetypes, who were, in fact, more real to me enhance most of the images I had grown up watching.
That us all to say, as with most things viewed retrospectively, I knew so much less than I thought I knew.
It wasn’t until now that I really remembered how ‘unreal’ it felt to watch Bette and Tina go through their miscarriage in screen. It was ten years off my radar.
You notice what reflects yourself back to you. While once I was preoccupied with identity and expression, my focus has shifted to building a family. I see it everywhere. And like that stream you can never step in twice, because the water is always moving, I am a different person with a different perception of the world. When I look at life through this lens I see the world anew.
Baby, this time you’re it.