My mind is forcing me to be super focused and I keep noticing that I’m on autopilot. I am in the moment, then I am not. I am, I think, constantly aware, at least once every half hour, that I’m waiting for a phone call; the clinic will call today to tell me if my bloodtest results mean that I’m pregnant.
My wandering brain keeps bumping into the ‘if I’m not pregnant’ scenarios. I am couching my disappointment in conditions and rewards. I am trying not to get my hopes up. Who would do that?
So much has gone wrong.
So much has gone right.
But not quite right, yet.
The yet is the hard part.
I don’t want to hang my hopes on one moment. I can’t invest like that. I just keep being positive, outwardly, and telling myself inwardly that it’s not likely.
But why not? It could be.
I’m thinking of you” my phone lights up.
I’m thinking of me, too.
I think it’s on both of our minds.
How could it not be?
So, I distract myself. Write it out. I’m really struggling for the next however many hours of not-knowing.
At 1 pm I called and got no answer. At 1:17 pm my phone rang. I was so ready for a negative … I almost held my breath.
‘You are pregnant.’
‘Whaaaaat?!?’ I almost whispered.
I called my wife, outside in the school parking lot. She was about to head into a meeting. My drama students are rehearsing Nightmare Tableaux and I cannot believe that I have this huge secret.
I sent Allia a picture… and it might be how we decide to tell my parents when we go out for dinner with my sister-in-law and my brother, all of our family together, tomorrow night. I know it’s early. But telling people won’t change the outcome. I am bursting. I am so excited and this is the first time I’ve really, honestly felt hopeful.
I cannot believe it.